A question from Quora…
As many of you already know, I regularly answer customer service questions on Quora, both in written and video form.
Today’s post originally appeared there as the answer to a (very poorly worded) question, “What are consumers during phone calls with customer service staff absolutely annoyed?”
Enjoy!
What are consumers during phone calls with customer service staff absolutely annoyed?
Bullshit.
Overwhelming corporate NPC bullshit.
We’ve all been there.
You buy a thing. Maybe a physical item. Maybe a service you subscribe to.
You buy it for a reason. You expect certain things from it.
It works, it’s easy to use, you actually get it, etc.
But the company fails you somehow. It isn’t what you expect. Or it doesn’t work. Or you never get it. Or it doesn’t make sense and you have some question.
You try to figure things out on your own. The last thing you want is to have to call a damn call center.
But they don’t give you any choice.
Can’t I send an email? They reply 4 days later telling you to call them. Worthless.
Live chat? Doesn’t exist.
Reluctantly, you pick up the phone. Dial the number. And the first thing you hear…
Half a ring, BEEEEEEEEP!
Loud beeping noise in your ear. Then the recorded voice kicks in, telling you a bunch of crap about the company you already know or don’t care about.
You press 47 for English.
It reads off a bunch of irrelevant options you don’t care about.
You get frustrated.
You scream “REPRESENTATIVE!”
“I’M SORRY, I DON’T UNDERSTAND!”
“REPRESENTATIVE!”
“I UNDERSTAND YOU WISH TO SPEAK TO A REPRESENTATIVE. WHAT CAN I HELP YOU WITH?”
“Son of a whore, stupid fucking thing”
(swear word detected!)
“ONE MOMENT WHILE I LOOK THAT UP FOR YOU’
(plays a recording of someone typing, as if you’re that stupid)
Half a ring.
Loud beep.
“WE’RE EXPERIENCING HIGHER THAN USUAL CALL VOLUME. PLEASE CONTINUE TO HOLD FOR THE NEXT REPRESENTATIVE.”
(Horrible smooth jazz hold music)
“WE’RE EXPERIENCING HIGHER THAN USUAL CALL VOLUME. PLEASE CONTINUE TO HOLD FOR THE NEXT REPRESENTATIVE.”
(Horrible smooth jazz hold music)
“WE’RE EXPERIENCING HIGHER THAN USUAL CALL VOLUME. PLEASE CONTINUE TO HOLD FOR THE NEXT REPRESENTATIVE.”
(Horrible smooth jazz hold music)
20 minutes later…
NPC agent reading off a script: “THANK YOU FOR CALLING COMPANY’S NAME MY NAME IS FAKE NAME HOW MAY I HELP YOU MR. CUSTOMER’S LAST NAME?”
You tell it your problem. You’re not happy.
The NPC: “I UNDERSTAND YOU’RE CALLING ABOUT REPEAT CUSTOMER’S STATED PROBLEM FIRST MAY I VERIFY A BUNCH OF WORTHLESS SECURITY INFORMATION WITH YOU?”
(useless questions you don’t remember the answer to)
What’s your safe word? Where’s your favorite place to vacation 10 years ago when you set up this account?
I’m sorry, I can’t help you if you don’t know the safe word.
Eventually you guess correctly.
The NPC begins reading off his little script, suggesting dumb things you already tried, because you’re not stupid. Eventually it reaches the end of it’s programming and freezes up.
It starts repeating the same stuff again, or saying things that make no sense.
You get mad. You scream and yell. It threatens to hang up on you if you keep using foul language.
You demand a manager.
They put another guy on the phone. One that’s allowed to think a bit.
He fixes the thing you called about in one second, because he’s allowed to think. They won’t punish him for saying the wrong thing.
They still time his piss breaks.
It’s coming up on an hour of your time wasted on something simple.
The “manager” asks you if you want to fill out a survey.
Bottom line, the whole process seems designed to frustrate customers.
It isn’t. At least that wasn’t the intention.
So called “customer service experts” try to “optimize” for “efficiency.”
They try to “standardize procedures.”
They want every agent providing exactly the same service. Interchangeable and replaceable.
They think they’re succeeding. They have PowerPoint slides full of graphs to prove it.
You’re just “disgruntled” or “irate” if you don’t like it.
As a customer, there’s not much you can do about this Switch to a competitor, I guess, but they’re probably just as bad.
But as a business, there’s a lot you can do.
Or not do.
By following the conventional customer service blueprint, you inevitably arrive right here. Totally efficient, and completely frustrating to the people who pay your bills.
But the smart companies are starting to do things differently.
Better.
Smarter.
And critically, simpler.
An 80/20 approach that focus on what really matters. Hint, it’s not piss break timing.
This stuff isn’t hard. It just requires a different way of looking at things.
That’s why I answer these questions here, in both written and video form.
It’s why I help businesses with this stuff.
And it’s why I send out daily emails with actionable tips to get this right.
If your customers are regularly getting annoyed by your customer service, it’s a sign things are NOT right.
It’s not your fault.
“Everybody’s doing it”
But once you know better, there’s no excuse for continuing down this dead end path.
That’s why I created the 80/20 Service Guide.
It gives you the blueprint. Everything I do turn customer service from a hassle into a low maintenance profit center.
Get it here: https://gumroad.com/l/rkbth/VIP
